Yes. It Is All About Me.

Some days back, I came across a term, and certainly not a new term, but this time, I thought a bit about it. It was a sentence, describing someone as a social climber. An opportunist. A die hard Leaver-For-Something-Bigger-Better.

It could well be that for once, it hit closer to home. It's not that I have been leaving people for something bigger, something better. It's not that I've been kicking out old connections, atleast not unless they're very old, or very useless. It's the realisation that moving on to better things comes naturally to me. A tad too naturally. I have left everything from my hobby to my job to my hair dresser the minute someone better came along. I've sometimes even left behind all the possibilities of joy and happiness, out of temptation for further happiness.

But what has been true is, wherever I was, I've always been honest with whoever, unless they really weren't worth it. Like my very first hair dresser. That bitch wouldn't stop telling me to straighten my hair. Dear God. Straightening? And me? So... not in the season. Ever. Poor hair dresser. She ain't touching my prettie locks again.

I worked my first job at 16. A known woman, who taught drama for a prestigious (and prestige is always questionable) London college.

I moved on to a theatre company, run possibly by only a madman.

I took a sabbatical from there, and worked for the foremost theatre in the city.

I worked on a few high profile events in the middle of it.

I went back to an ambitious project by the aforementioned madman.

Now, I've moved on again, to something possibly the biggest name in the field it belongs to. Or controls.

I wonder how much bigger can it get.

I know, how every sentence starts with I here, but I did spend 21 years putting it second, third or last. So fuck all those who said I am not that important. I realised, in the last few days, just how ambitious I am, and how ambitious I can be. And it's not in the least scaring me, like it would. I am beginning to think I wouldn't put it past me to steal my senior's client. I wouldn't put it past me to steal their best friend. And I'd do it well, too.

This is such a self congratulatory post, I'm amazed you're not disgusted already.

I also realised how I've narrowed down my friends to a handful. I can't be bothered by those who lie, those who cold-shoulder (not my term, but close enough), those who drop you like a hot potato when you're feeling like shit, and then call you and apologise, and give excuses and pretend they weren't in touch with the rest of the world. Fact is, it's a small world. If you lie, you're going to get caught. Somehow. Somewhere. It's smaller than you thought. It's as if the entire earth lives on the tail of an asteroid. You will know atleast 5 people who independantly know me. And vice-a-versa. So try not to lie. Keep it simple. And possibly we'll be great acquaintances who meet for tea once a year. And call each other when we need something other than conversation.

Of course, this post makes me sound like a bitch. But better a bitch than living in a happy little bubble, non?

so if you're careful, you won't get hurt.

i'm bad at trust. i never even managed to get through those trust games they teach you at theatre workshops. where you have to let other people lead you. the only time i trusted was a game a long time ago.

i don't understand why human beings refuse to understand. themselves, friends, family, people whose eyes they can't look into when they cross paths on a busy street.

our lives are so involved with ourselves, with what we want. we forget possibly that there are things we might need.

that last line I sound like Sri Sri Ravi. Jeez.

i'm back. i'm back at work. new work. have boss with nice stick up her arse. never got along with women anyway. so many pictures waiting to be taken. of course, as always i don't trust myself to do a good job. no matter what who says, mommy knows best.

i'm writing randomly, i know. thoughts aren't as ordered as i'd like them to be.

i don't trust him. i want to, but i can't. he's kind. i keep thanking him. i wonder if he'll want to collect one day.

cosy prisons is a nice song.

i miss my first blog. it was a little like losing my virginity to my first love. or what that kind of thing would feel like.

i wonder if anyone ever loses their virginity to their first love anymore.

i wonder if love at all even exists. why can't we all fall in like rather than face our demons?

i'm really scared of where this is leading.

i'm really scared of a lot of things. including people who can do what i like doing better than me. i just don't want to hate them ever. i try once in a while, to turn a blind eye to them, but of course, it's quite the impossibility.

i wish i was fearless and brave, but that'd make me stupid. i'm not stupid. atleast not that i think. i'm just... scared spitless.

Every morning I walk towards the edge...

I’m nothing.
I’m nothing.
I’m nothing.
I’m nothing.
I’m nothing.
I’m nothing.
I’m nothing.
I’m nothing.
I’m nothing.
I’m nothing.
I’m nothing.
I’m nothing.
I’m nothing.
I’m nothing.
I’m nothing.
I’m nothing.

So are you.