the pragmatic love-letter :-

i wonder at times what i'm doing here.
if i should be here.
if here is only a place i've created to feel more at ease about the there that i have left and the bridges that now lie charred.
i wonder if it would be so bad to not pay my phone bills or not help around the house.
i wonder if you'll miss me if i disappear, as i'm so often tempted to do.will you miss me?
i've spent precious seconds and minutes wondering if you would even notice.
i've spent a few hours every week dreaming up tragic scenarios where we don't say goodbye.
it's not true, is it?
you'll notice.
maybe a few months after i've gone, but you'll notice.
knowing you and knowing me and knowing what we are together,you'll notice, and you'll repent.
i don't know if that's what i want for us, but it feels like one of those times where you can't really see something ten years down the line.
where you're headed and where i'm headed have never been so far apart.
still, somehow, we've never been closer.
but it's so relative, being close. closer. closer than before? closer than we ever will be?
is there such a thing as too close? and if there is, that's what we are.
we've said the i love yous. you've told me how i am the other half of you.
so who do we blame that we don't believe in completion?
sometimes i want to ask you if we never talk about where we stand because it's so palpable
or because we're scared of killing what we have.
there is such a thing as too close.
in your face.
i'm not impersonal by the way.
i love you.