I've never been any good at saying goodbye. I've never been any good at most things, but most things I can get right, at some point in time. But somehow I can't say goodbye. I can almost feel the break, but uttering the words makes it permanent na. So it makes it unbearable. I like to think I can be there for whoever for the rest of my life, I suppose.

I just said goodbye. I almost did it gracefully. I thanked you too na? We've had our differences, but you taught me so much. You helped me be me, like so many else, all of whom I left. See, more than anything else, I don't want you to be the one to leave. So I'll leave.

And I'm leaving so much love behind. I know I won't get it anywhere else. I know the next time I'm trying to say goodbye, I won't feel lost like I did today, I won't cry like I did today, and no one will hold me, run their fingers through my hair and reassure me saying, you'll be back na? you're coming back naa? like you did today.

What to do, I'm a bit of a sap. I'm not that good at these things. I can't be a permanence. For anyone.

It's my fault, and I know that it's because of me that I don't have anyone who I can tell how frozen I feel right now, and how much fear there is and how I want to run back to the familiar. There isn't really anyone who I can tell how excited I am to. And for the first time ever I want someone to listen. For the first time ever I want to just sit and talk about me. Put me first. And be understood rather than be called mad, or insane in a good or a bad way.

But there's no one. So it's okay I guess. Yea, it's okay.


Currently listening to Khoon Chala from Rang de Basanti. Wondering when in the movie do they play this. Can someone tell me?